I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
