just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
