I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
