Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
