Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
