sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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