So drunk its hurt
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
