I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
