Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
