sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
