I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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