Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
50% drunk capacity currently
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
