i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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