Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
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so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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