Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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