i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
