and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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