Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
