Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize