and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
