im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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