i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
