My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
