I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
