i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
