There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
