Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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