she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
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so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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