kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It's blow job season.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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