I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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