I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
