We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
