okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
