Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
did i walk over a car last night?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
