Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
