My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
