Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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