I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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