Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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