jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
