finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
