During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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don't judge my taste in strippers
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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