Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
