I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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