the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
