he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
