im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
