the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
