Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
