You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
