Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
