You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
