it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
