It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
