I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
