i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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