I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
