this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
