I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
