I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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